The impact of losing one's other half
by Annoyingly Anonymous
Summary: Jughead has been in love with Archie for over a year now and they were best friends for over a decade. It's strange how one conversation can ruin both a friendship and Jughead's already receding mental health. Based on the show's episodes but slightly altered.


**So. Riverdale. I promise to update my other fic as soon as possible but I've been really busy recently and I've just binge-wrote this so sorry if there's mistakes or if you don't like it obviously. Although I hope you will. Obviously.**

 **Basically this is going to be based on the episodes of the show but more Jughead-based and also, as seen above, with Jarchie as the main pairing. I might put Betty and Veronica in as well, maybe even Veronica and Cheryl I mean, who knows?!**

 **Also I know that I flit between tenses and I've tried to iron out any of that but if I've missed some I'm really sorry.**

 **I hope this is okay though. (Down below is a theory btw)**

* * *

 **WARNING: angst, referenced child abuse, self-hatred, panic attack.**

* * *

 _Inhale. One thing, two, three, four, five, six. Exhale. One, two, three four, five, six, seven. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat until your mind quiets. Repeat until the loneliness is staved off. Repeat until you fall asleep with your coat wrapped around you to ward off the chill. Repeat…_

Jughead woke. He was trembling. Rain was pattering on the roof of the drive in. He decided to have a shower.

Ever since leaving home in the summer he had been bathing in the river to wash himself, but rain was an easy alternative today, especially since it was the first day of school. Especially since he knew he would have no motivation to trudge there later, later being after the physical reminder that he and Archie aren't friends anymore. Later being after he's ignored at school and- he closed his eyes. Breathed. Wondered if he'd get beaten up today. Wondered if Jason had- no. _Breathe._ He was okay. He was fine. He was a loner, a loser, a nobody and no one cared. No one would notice. _Nobody._

The rain fell down his face as he raised it to the looming clouds gathered across the sky. They sent shadows across his face, mixed with the pools of darkness under his eyes. It was refreshing and cold and who cared if the water slipping into his mouth tasted slightly salty because no one would ever know about the tears.

He walks to Pop's before school starts. He has yet to start his book and knows that if he begins it before school words and phrases will drop into his head throughout the day to be written down later. Going there also means a hot cup of coffee to keep him awake throughout the day. Maybe he'll even get some leftover food from yesterday if he's lucky, Pop knows that something is wrong and has started leaving food on the table Jughead frequents so when the boy arrives he can pick at it. Jughead's pride may be hurt from taking leftovers and sympathy but the hunger roiling in his gut needs to be satisfied. Last night he hadn't got anything as Betty and Archie had appeared and he'd had to leave before a fully-fledged _something_ had ripped its way out of his throat to scream at Archie, before his mind had started shrieking at him to _goovertalktohimgethimbackpleasepleaseplease._

As expected, Pop has put a slightly cold muffin down in Jug's booth and the waitress comes over and gives him a cup and pours in coffee almost before he sits down. He pays her silently before opening his laptop. _06:49am._ Two hours and a bit before school starts.

Jughead sits; sips his coffees; thinks. He writes continuously but is only backspacing half the time. The words come freely but he has to edit as he goes along to get everything in order, to get the right word order.

"Our story is about a town," he types. "A small town, and the people who live in the town. From a distance it presents itself like so many other small towns all over the world; safe, decent, innocent. Get closer, though, and you start seeing the shadows underneath. The name of our town is Riverdale."

* * *

He's unnoticed when he walks into the school. The dark clouds have scudded across the sky and wandered over other villages somewhere in the far distance leaving a warm day and sunshine in their wake. His mind is full and he knows that the day will be terrible, but he will survive. He'll have to.

Walking round is hard though. It's the first time he's ever had to wander the corridors without Archie there to bolster his spirits and yell at Reggie and Chuck and all the other jocks that shove him around. Their mocking laughs follow him as he trips and he has to breathe deeply to stop a sardonic comment from coming out. Or a cruel one. Referencing Jason to any of them would be a bad idea; a bully's mind maybe small but, like a dog, they were loyal to the end. They might talk about him but the redhead's name passing through the creep's lips would be blasphemy.

Without Archie it's lonely too. He sees him walking in with his guitar but Jughead know she can't deal with the look of disappointment and hatred that must, inevitably, cross his face. Because that's what he feels. Disappointment that Jughead isn't dead yet and the hatred that wants him dead.

Jughead still wants to kiss him.

Without Archie around to be talked to and to have been talked to he doesn't get the memo about meeting in the hall for an assembly until halfway through it. His dad must have got an email but Jughead wasn't told until he finally emerged from the bathroom and realised no one was around. He slips in unnoticed, luckily, but the loss of his best friend is weighing on him so heavily now that he wonders each step is not a hollow boom on the floor.

Opening his laptop and writing down the parts of Cheryl's speech that he does hear is enough but he can't help glancing at the redhead. The whispers were truer than he'd realised through stolen glances at Pop's and on the street: his be- _ex_ best friend had got hot. Not that he hadn't been before, but the aesthetics of Archie's jawline and cheekbones were now highlighted by the strands of fire that circled down from his haircut and fitted perfectly on top of his muscular frame.

He'd do well in football this year. Last year Archie knew how to play well and did so, but he simply did not have the pure power that was now built through his body and acknowledged through the relaxed, predatory stance that he could finally hold with unconscious grace. And Jughead was off topic again. He wasn't writing a description of Archie the fireboy with his clinging yellow-and-blue jacket that hugged him oh too well, he was writing about the murder. He was writing about the people. He was writing about the town. He was documenting this terrible place before he left it forever.

Jughead dutifully typed down Cheryl's speech so he could incorporate it into his own writing and when he realised that she had finished he swiftly typed out her last words before saving and shutting down. Getting to class before the hallways were crowded we probably the best idea. It would also mean he would have a seat without being awkward.

Hopefully.

* * *

His first period was boring. The half of it that he was in was boring at least. The teacher, he forgot her name within five seconds, rambled on about what they were going to do during the year and Jughead tried not to focus on the glimpse of Archie that he could see in the corner of his eye. They had signed up for all the same lessons last year, a decision Jughead was now regretting completely. He wouldn't be able to escape him apart from at break and lunch. Yet he could listen and doodle and come up with new phrases and ideas that he could use for his writing. He spent a good half hour coming up with better structured sentences and ideas of how to make up with Archie. He wrote notes on exam format and ignored the fact that he was sitting alone. He remembered what Archie had said to him in the summer, the reason their friendship ended is because Jughead was so _stupidandpatheticandworthless_. He tries to breathe. He tries to let go of the memory, to stop the incoming even of panic from blowing him away as the memory surfaces and the dear and loss rise like a tidal wave.

* * *

 _Group chat name: Roadbros_

 _message sent at 19:23 3rd June_

 _AAjustforyou: dude i cant make tmrw im really sorry_

 _j3: haha, very funny pal. You packed?_

 _AAjustforyou: no genuinely jug, somethings come up and i cant make it_

 _j3: and i believe you. What you doing instead?_

 _AAjustforyou: jug you have to believe me_

 _j3: arch come on youre not that insensitive, i know you wouldn't cancel literally five hours before the day_

 _j3: dude._

 _AAjustforyou: I'm literally telling you im not going jug, i cant make it and im sorry but youre gonna have to deal_

 _AAjustforyou: we can go another time maybe_

 _j3: what the fuck_

 _AAjustforyou: ?_

 _AAjustforyou: its not like i want to cancel_

 _AAjustforyou: Ive been looking forwards to this too_

 _j3: Archie there is literally nothing you have to do_

 _j3: you told me that earlier_

 _j3: and we've been sorting stuff out so we could go since school ended_

 _j3: this isn't funny anymore_

 _AAjustforyou: it's not supposed to be_

 _AAjustforyou: I'm sorry dude but i cant go_

 _j3: just fucking tell me that you dont want to go with me archie dont pretend_

 _j3: i mean, its not like youve wanted to meet up recently anyway_

 _j3: i cant believe youre doing this the day before though_

 _j3: you know that itd be nice to actually think about other people before you suddenly change your mind_

 _AAjustforyou: i told you as soon as i realised jug_

 _AAjustforyou: stop being a dick_

 _AAjustforyou: this is why im sort of glad not to be going actually_

 _j3: what's that supposed to mean?_

 _AAjustforyou: just that you get so angry and defensive over everything_

 _AAjustforyou: youve got to learn to cool it_

 _j3: screw you archie andrews._

 _j3: just dont bother_

 _j3: ive got stuff to do anyway_

 _AAjustforyou: see jug? Youre so angry and im only telling you the truth_

 _AAjustforyou: maybe if you were a little nicer people would actually like you instead of avoiding or picking on you_

 _j3: shut up arch._

 _AAjustforyou: or if you bothered doing nothing but writing maybe youd put on some muscle and youd actually be able to defend yourself_

 _j3: stop._

 _AAjustforyou: what? No fancy words telling me to shut up? Obviously i havent been clear enough yet._

 _j3: dont ruin whats left arch._

 _j3: please._

 _AAjustforyou: no jug, listen._

 _j3: dont._

 _AAjustforyou: people dont want to be around you because youre always so uptight and defensive and you never know how to have fun_

 _AAjustforyou: i get that you haven't had the easiest childhood but that doesnt make it right for you to be such a dick_

 _AAjustforyou: and you always think everythings about you_

 _j3: im sorry you feel that way_

 _AAjustforyou: me being unable to go on this trip isnt because i don't want to have to deal with your moods for a couple of days- ive had to do that for the last decade or so im used to your strops- its to do with me. being. busy. thats not about you is it? or is everything to do with high and mighty king jughead?_

 _j3: are you done?_

 _AAjustforyou: not even close_

 _AAjustforyou: i mean_

 _AAjustforyou: I've had to look after you for so long and you never return the favour_

 _AAjustforyou: because i dont need looking after like a child_

 _AAjustforyou: its pathetic_

 _j3 left the chat_

* * *

 _Pathetic._ Archie would have said other things as well after Jughead left and he had done before that as well but _pathetic?_ That hit the closest to home. Or, not home. At that point he had already been living in the drive in. Alone. Cold sometimes. The roadtrip had been his chance to escape a meaningless and worthless existence with his best friend and finally tell him about Jellybean and his mother leaving, how he'd left the house before the drunken rages his father got into grew worse than the few punches he'd already thrown. Instead he'd learnt that Archie already knew that he couldn't look after himself and that he was pathetic and needed to complain about using problems when others had so much worse. Jughead had chosen to become homeless when so many others would kill for a home even if it was a bad one. He was… disgusting. A nobody trying to be a somebody but failing. Worthless. Not even Betty had tried to continue their friendship after Archie had been removed from the equation. Jughead raised his hand.

"Can I go to the bathroom please?" He left before he saw the teacher's answer. She didn't fall after him so he guessed she'd said yes. He didn't really care though. His breaths were coming in shorter and shorter gasps and his collar felt too tight. He was being suffocated but he wasn't but he was. He was pathetic and he'd driven his only friend away and he couldn't even summon up the courage to ask Archie to forgive him.

"Fuck fuck _fuck."_ He leant on the firedoor to open it and stumbled outside. His ribs hurt and he is being _sopatheticandstupid_ and he has to stop but he can't and his breaths refuse to settle down and all he can do is lean against the wall, out of sight from any windows and try to calm down.

He doesn't go back to class. Instead he sits outside, heading to the bleachers eventually in the afternoon. It's only when he noticed that football practise is on that he realises why. His internal clock his set to Archie's timetable still, and Archie plays football. He is playing football and his sweat drenched body is far too an attractive sight for Jughead to want to see. Especially when he's not even supposed to look at the boy anymore. He leaves eventually, after the coach calls Archie over and offers him Jason's jersey. The two male redheads in the school seem to take after each other in numerous ways.

He spies on the cheerleading tryouts for a bit, Betty's gone again this year but she's with the new girl, Veronica Lodge. They make it into the team and he likes the new girl's fire- well. Ice. The two would make a complimentary couple if they take notice of the sparks between them but he doesn't supposed that'll happen. When he leaves the practise after seeing Betty get in he's still unnoticed. It seems his old friends are doing better than ever before without him.

* * *

He doesn't bother going to the dance after school. No one would want him there and nothing interesting enough happens that he needs to bother. Instead he goes to Pop's, orders a coffee and writes. He refines his words as his fingers fly across the keyboard. The darkness of night settles onto Riverdale and he doesn't notice. He doesn't pay attention to his stomach groaning at him either. There's nothing he can do about it- the drive in isn't paying well and he simply doesn't have the money to eat. He could have had lunch at school, but after the overpowering hit of the panic attack he hadn't wanted to go back inside it. So, hunger. That could be overcome easily, and it wasn't as if he was swimming inside of his jacket. Although that could be because of his many layers.

It didn't matter. He was complaining again. Worthless nobodies don't getting complain, he reminded himself. He doesn't get to complain.

He typed.

And typed.

And kept typing and would have done non-stop until Pop's closed at two except Archie came in. Jughead couldn't help it, the sight of the boy still filled him with joy and it was excruciating. He set his laptop to the side and watched him move with that grace and knowledge of oneself that could only be learnt through intimacy.

His lips were slightly swollen, his hair mussed. His bowtie was undone alongside the top buttons of his shirt. _God, the suit._ Jughead knew that he'd never seen anything more attractive than Archie in a suit, and this was after years of being around him, both with a crush and not. Most recently with one though, and one that would not let him stop staring. That used to be okay, he got make a joke and look at him because they were taking or laughing. Now it was just creepy.

Jughead was about to place his focus back onto his laptop before Archie sat down. Or, rather, asked to sit. And he couldn't help it. His determination to stay strong and tell Archie that he needed to at least apologise first melted under the honey brown of the redhead's eyes.

They talked and Jughead was the happiest he'd been for months. His heart dropped when Betty was referred to as "best friend" but he understood. And he helped. Because Archie was sad and Jughead would do anything to keep his best friend to not get hurt- at least not get hurt anymore than he had to. After all it wasn't his fault that he got into these situations in the first place.

Jughead told him that they should have talked without really understanding what he was saying. It seemed like Archie did though, and that was what counted. He didn't expect the other boy to stay though and tried to make the most of their time together. When Archie's food arrived but he didn't leave Jughead couldn't help but grin. It was with the side of his mouth and felt weird but… Archie smiled back. Archie didn't hate him. He instead stayed with Jughead for a while longer, eating with him and- not talking as such but… they meandered through irrelevant topics and Archie offered the dark haired boy some of his burger and chips and they were happy.

Jughead went to sleep easily that night with a full belly and a restful mind. Archie may not think of him as a best friend but at least they were talking again. At least he wasn't shut out completely anymore.

* * *

 **So? Is it okay? I know that Jughead is flitting between Archie needing to apologise and his detrimental thoughts about himself but I know that I do too? As your mental health fluctuates during the day so do your thoughts between you being the one in the wrong and other people. Jughead is feeling that way.**

 **Anyway. This is for a theory so basically I'm (re)watching the episodes so far with my friend she suggested that Betty be the murderer? And I'm actually okay with that theory because think. Betty forgot about her personality shift into "Polly" and her pills are for ADHD but maybe they could be for other things as well**


End file.
